I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last time i carry you out of a forest
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
