Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
