don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
