Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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