Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
