I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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