***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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