my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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