Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
