sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
