Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
