this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
