youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
