So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize