just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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