I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
