just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
