so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
