I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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