she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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