I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
