I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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