youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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