so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
