"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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