3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
