Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think your dad took our porno
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
