well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sorry about my life...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
