im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i drank out of a bidet.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
