She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
