I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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