HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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