You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
