and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
