What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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