Don't you send me to vm
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
