Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
