Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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