I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
