can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
