I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
