dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
