Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.