He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
