I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
