Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
