I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
