Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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