I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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