I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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