you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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