i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
