I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he was CRYING into my vagina
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
