I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
