Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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